Going to see Lynn at the beginning of April hopefully will give me a direction. Thank God for her.
I want to rise up like a phoenix, but I'm getting worried. What if I just stay here? Dead?
Perhaps its having no answers to my questions about my health that leaves me lost on this landscape.
Maybe it's my son who is so... what? What is he right now? Fourteen? A teen? Angry? Is he? I am not in a place where I find the teenaged-boy brain comforting. It's unsettling, insensitive, ignorant. But that's not him. He has always been different -- he has been my companion, my friend, my thoughtful, knowing, and wise child. He's bouncing off of peers now and that's normal. I worry, though, because I see him becoming inflexible. I don't want to see him become that person with his significant-other-to-be. I see him putting rigidity and judgment over love and joy. I see him being unhappy, escaping into a virtual world. I hope I'm wrong. I just miss my wise child. I'm sure he'll come back again; he's still in there somewhere.
My daughter and I are close, but she is so emotional and right in the midst of what may be some of the toughest years of life for a girl (and many guys too).
I can depend upon other people to a point for support, but ultimately this is about me. I've got to become a friend to myself. Drop the self-pity. Drop the self-destruction.
And orchestrate my own rising.
I think I can do it, but I'm truly better off wandering the desolate landscape right now, dodging the ghouls.