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Why I Believe that Social Anxiety Disorder is a Sign of Intelligence

1/27/2014

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I have always been slightly anxious about socializing with others. I do not have social anxiety disorder, yet I rarely look forward to those events that force me to mix, mingle, and make conversation.  Maybe it would be easier if I were a drinker. I know some very nice people who use beer as an aid to socializing, but I don't like beer, wine or any alcoholic drink enough to make use of it. (I never quite grew up -- I still prefer sweet treats).

I should probably preface this entry by saying that I realize that I really am rather negative. I think of myself as optimistic, but nearly every time I feel the desire to write something here it is because of something less than joyful.  Actually, I think I am optimistic and more happy-go-lucky than the average person.  Perhaps it is the nature of writing. I use it to work out my shadow stuff. (I do like the word "stuff" -- sorry fellow English teachers).

Today, I heard about a "village council" in India that ordered the gang rape of a woman because she planned to marry a man from outside of her village.  Here is a link to the article: NY Times
. Sadly, it is not a surprising or unusual news story in our time. When I was a child, I believed that barbarism was firmly set in the middle ages. I didn't realize that racism, sexism, and other isms were happening in my time. Somehow, I had the idea that we as a human race had gotten past all of that. I thought every other human being reflected my own natural, liberal beliefs.

In my community, my children live a relatively sheltered life of abundance, a liberal exchange of thoughts and ideas, some exposure to the various religious beliefs, and adults with generally higher levels of education.
None of us have witnessed misogyny or racism in any overt way. (I won't mention the covert ones today). There are no "honor killings" in our neighborhood (that I know of).

When I listen to public radio (I know, I know) and hear the news from around the world, then it gets me thinking.  Human beings... hmmm. Well, there are a range of nasty human beings.  There are people who murder and rape and believe they are justified. There are wars in which people fight over power, land, "God," treasure, and anything else they can think of to excuse their thirst for blood. We are so used to war, that people don't even really think about what it actually is. Just think, for a moment, about what war actually is! It is people destroying and doing damage to other people - throughout history and today -- inflicting the same torture over and over again. Learning nothing. Pure insanity is what it is, and yet it is such a way of life for us that we don't consider it so.

After Adam Lanza murdered twenty-six innocent people, one of our local priests said that these events will always happen because of "original sin." Really?  If that is true, and we as human beings are forever destined to be perpetrators and victims, then... then what? God is eventually going to come back down and fix everything? God is going to come down and wipe us all out?

Then (being the weirdo that I am), I start thinking about the witch hunts. I'm just positive that I would have come to no good end if I was
hanging about then. I would have known enough to avoid mixing up herbal concoctions, but try as I might I'm sure I would have been accused by somebody in the town.

Then I start thinking about Nazis. When I learned about the Nazis in junior high school, I learned that human beings could be brainwashed. Brainwashed into thinking that certain types of people were not actually human, and that the world would be a better one if those types of people were extinguished. Had the Nazis themselves been quickly extinguished, then it seems world would have been better, now wouldn't it? But it is that whole Nazi propaganda thing that gets to me when I start looking at other people. I am disturbed by the idea that I -- as a human being -- might  be brainwashed into hating someone -- some group of some sort. I like to believe that I would not have been a Nazi because it is not in my nature to join groups of any kind. Sometimes I like the idea of a group -- I actually joined the "MOMS Club" after I had children -- but I just couldn't stick with it. I felt socially awkward. It was just too -- groupie.  So, that supports my belief that I would have avoided the whole Nazi thing, or the Wave, or Amway.

I wonder, sometimes, if I were living in Germany in the forties with my friends, relatives, and neighbors which ones would have been on the wrong side? And of course, I wonder about my own attitudes. I wonder if I would be brave like Miep Geis. I do have guesses about who I know that would be more likely to be vulnerable to propaganda and brain washing. And when I think about the amount of people who would be likely to lose their moral compass with the rest of the Nazis, then I think that being phobic about our fellow human beings makes a lot of sense.

I don't mean to be glib about social anxiety disorder. I do believe it is rooted in a very real and logical instinct for survival. Do you ever feel waves of hostility coming at you from strangers and wonder why? At the grocery store? At the gym? (There are other types of waves too -- attraction, friendliness -- those, I understand. It's the hostility that seems baseless and primitive). On my first day of Kindergarten, I was sitting on the floor as instructed and the girl sitting next to me kicked me. I was appalled. I cried every day of Kindergarten for nearly six months. It wasn't just the kicking experience that caused my fears; it was the terrifying unpredictability of each moment. If someone could kick me for no reason, then what other horror might come my way? The other children terrified me. Of course, they weren't so terrible. That same girl became my best friend for a time in fifth grade. Other people can be our best friends and our worst enemies.  We cannot control them or predict what they will do. Kindness towards others is not a guarantee that others will be kind to us. All of that is frightening. So social anxiety disorder makes sense to me. And the treatment of social anxiety disorder should not deny the plain fact that there are good and logical reasons to be nervous about other people.



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List #3: Appreciating Life

1/16/2014

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I simply could not title this my "grateful list" because as powerful as that word probably is, it feels like a big fat cliche to me. Ever since The Secret got people drunk on the idea that showing gratitude was the key to solving every ill in life (or gaining personal wealth), I feel funny about the word.  The truth is, though, I figure The Secret is not to be dismissed entirely. I think it is quite likely -- just as Jane Robert's "Seth" and many other writers and philosophers have suggested, that our thoughts create our reality (albeit slowly). At the same time, I think that The Secret was rather simplistic and has a few holes.  I'm not here to argue with it, though.  The basic precept -- that positive thinking and gratefulness will provide a human being with a much improved life -- I don't think I could argue with that.

So... here's my list:


  • I have beautiful, amazing, miraculous children.
  • My body is healthy and I have very good endurance.
  • My brain is decent and certain types of intelligences come easily to me. (Ala Howard Gardner)
  • My book has gotten good reviews and each good review seems to lead to another person willing to review it -- which in turn give me more good reviews.
  • I have the luxury to sit around and write stuff (kids, don't use the word "stuff").
  • My son charms everybody he meets and then that "everybody" turns around and admires me as his mother (as if I am somehow responsible for it -- hee hee!).
  • My daughter is beautiful and speaks up for herself assertively and sometimes aggressively (a great quality in a pretty girl).
  • My husband is a stand up guy and we enjoy each others company most of the time.
  • I live in a society in which conveniences such as doggie diapers exist.
  • I have good credit.
  • I have not been arrested for anything (yet).
  • I am mostly free.
  • I have a nice room in which to watch TV and movies.
  • I have time to watch TV and movies.
  • I found a good inexpensive gym where I feel comfortable working out and it is close.
  • I am learning Spanish, Medieval history, biology, accounting, self-publishing -- all of which makes my life more interesting and I figure keeps my brain clicking along better.
  • My clients are on the whole some of the nicest people anyone would every want to meet.
  • My husband edited my book for me, thereby waving me moola.
  • My cars run.
  • I have health and auto insurance and a good health and driving record.
  • My son is very talented at karate.
  • My daughter is very talented at singing and creating art.
  • My children are enjoyable companions (when they are apart from one another).
  • My son and daughter are naturally liberal when it comes to issues of race and sexual orientation.
  • I may worry about money, but only as a middle class individual in a privileged society need worry about money.
  • I wrote a book, and a play, and a screenplay, and another book. Granted, they may not have made me a career author, but I have completed some written works. No one can deny me that.
  • I am responsible and have a right to feel proud of the job I have done as a business owner -- I am not perfect, but a perfectionist -- and my clients have benefited from that.
  • I have a very open, honest, and relatively healthy relationship with my children; we can talk about nearly anything and everything.
  • My children were blessed with good looks, so life is easier for them (this may be unfair, but that's our society and we all know it).
  • I'm grateful -- there's the word -- I really am -- that I am not obese and that I don't have any type of deformity that might put people off (I used to have vitiligo that was quite noticeable but all of my color is gone now so people think I am just very fair-skinned).
  • I can see, hear, and touch (and smell just a little).
  • My hair is really good, thick hair that is very versatile; stylists love it.
  • Childhood summers at the lake.
  • Good friends who made (make) me feel like I am valuable.
  • Technology that puts the answers to so many questions at my fingertips.
  • Extroverts
  • Sleep
  • Good TV shows like Freaks and Geeks (even though it's old)
  • Good books like Of Mice and Men (even though it's older)
  • Seasons
  • Pagans and hippies
  • I was only slightly traumatized in my youth.


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Dyslexia

1/9/2014

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Someday, I'll write about dyslexia, but not today.  I am too much in the thick of it. Dyslexia is the puzzle I face every day with the people I love the most in my life. I want tell everybody and their dog about this film, though, because it gives me hope. Check out this bit:

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Will Bronies Save the World?

1/7/2014

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Tonight I watched the series finale of Dexter. Then, I turned to an odd documentary called Bronies: The Extremely Unexpected Adult Fans of My Little Pony.  It's about a worldwide network of mostly guys (average age twenty) who love the show My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic -- so much so that they attend conventions and actually seem to be devoted to the show's concepts and symbols with a sort of religious fervor. 

On the one hand, I'm watching this and thinking that this is the new generation of Star Wars nerds (who I very much appreciate). On the other, it seems different. It really does seem like a religion.  One part of me feels like it's weird and creepy, and yet it is that same strangeness that gives me hope for the world. After delving into the history of the middle ages where greed, violence, and domination seemed to be young men's highest priorities, maybe these Bronies will be our saviors. Perhaps it is a sign that the human race could actually evolve spiritually.

If you haven't seen the documentary, get to Netflix and watch it because I can't possibly explain it.  It needs to be seen. I had seen some of this Brony content on the Internet, because my daughter went through a year long obsession with the show (she fits the original target demographic) but I assumed that these older guys were being funny, ironic, sarcastic... something.  But it seems that they are not; they are actually genuinely embracing the spirit of the show. Even the voice over talent appears to appreciate the Bronies.*

From Wikipedia:
"The show follows a studious unicorn pony named Twilight Sparkle as her mentor Princess Celestia guides her to learn about friendship in the town of Ponyville. Twilight becomes close friends with five other ponies: Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie. Each represents a different face of friendship, and Twilight discovers herself to be a key part of the magical artifacts, the "Elements of Harmony". The ponies share adventures and help out other residents of Ponyville, while working out the troublesome moments in their own friendships."

For me, the documentary and its portrayal of real people is the antithesis of my favorite fictional characters who are all cynical and damaged (Dexter, Breaking Bad, and Broadchurch). And seeing Bronies, I wonder if it is wrong for me to get such pleasure from nihilistic entertainment.  Maybe I'd be better off watching My Little Pony or Mr. Roger's Neighborhood or something. Problem is, I don't want to. I relish the moment when the children are off to bed and I can turn the TV to the dark side.

Still, the Bronies give me hope. And if they don't turn into a twisted, Nazi cult, then perhaps they will save the world. I personally am not a "joiner" and though that leaves me feeling isolated sometimes, it seems prudent to avoid groups from churches, to covens, to the Girls Scouts, to Mom's Clubs. Group think and team building are not for me.  I can't help admiring these Bronies, though -- a bit -- and I feel a little more appreciation for them because the psychologists on the film say they are mostly introverts. I do like introverts. It's like they are the people to whom I belong because they won't make me sign up for membership and they totally understand why I don't want to join. Does that make sense?  I am trying to be funny. But that doesn't mean it doesn't reflect the truth.

Well, I'm not a Bronie, but I say, "You go, Bronies! The world would be better off if you ran it (I think?)."

*Note: By the way, I've been a fan of John de Lancie from Days of Our Lives, through Star Trek: The Next Generation and even (now this is irony) Breaking Bad. What a great guy.

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Dexter or Breaking Bad?                   (Obviously, there will spoilers here)

1/5/2014

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My husband enjoys Breaking Bad. I enjoy (this is an understatement) Dexter.  Now, I know these shows are past tense, but not for me. I do not have Showtime, so I've been waiting for Santa to bring Dexter to me. He didn't, but Mr. Netflix did, so I'm finally on the last season. We were late in coming to Breaking Bad (well, honestly, I had watched it once and decided it was not for me). Now we are watching both. I wouldn't watch Breaking Bad if Jim were not interested, and Jim only watches Dexter on occasion.

The other day, we had a discussion about the moral depth of the characters on
each show. Personally, I find Breaking Bad to be far more depressing and disturbing than Dexter because I see very little conscience in any of the characters. Granted, Walter White may feel guilt when he realizes that he is the indirect cause of the death of an entire plane load of people, and he may say something to the effect of, "I'm not cut out to be the bad guy," yet time and time again he pushes conscience aside and embraces increasingly brutal behavior. Jessie struggles with conscience, and we as an audience see opportunities for his escape. (Jessie's character forced me to face that I think like a mom now, because I feel something akin to a mother's grief with each poor choices he makes). The parade of characters in the drug world range from psychopathic to criminally stupid. I'm only on Season 4, Episode 9, so I'm obviously coming from a place of incomplete knowledge. I don't know how corruptible his family will be, and I don't know the future of the DEA brother in law (who I find to be mostly sympathetic).  My perception at this point, though, is that the majority of the viewing minutes are filled with scenes of soulless scheming, plotting, concealing, and brutal violence.  I see less moral struggle and vulnerability than I do with Dexter.

With Dexter, we are regularly reminded of Dexter's conflict.  We can see this good, nerdy guy who would be only that if he hadn't been so deeply traumatized as a child. With Debra, we see a woman attempting to please a deceased Daddy, struggling to connect with her brother, and making all kinds of stupid choices (usually brought about by her big, dumb heart). When her loyalty to her brother leads her to become a murderer, she does not just suffer a few bad days and move on. The pain nearly destroys her, and when she does manage to come out the other side of it she is forever damaged. We sense that she will carry her guilt with her forever and devote the rest of her life to righting her wrongs -- but it will never be enough for her to forgive herself. Other characters: Quinn, LaGuerta, Doakes, Batista, Rita, etc. have their flaws but to me, they are also fundamentally good people. The various bad guys that move into Dexter's life (and out via his table) are on a spectrum from completely antisocial to deeply conflicted and disturbed.

So, my opinion is that majority of characters in Dexter are people with spiritual dimension (souls?) and the dishonorable or even evil choices they make are not borne of an antisocial personality.  Breaking Bad has far too many people who are seem to have perverse, easily corruptible souls, and it is difficult to care about them. I care about Walter White Jr., Hank, and Jesse (in the aforementioned grieving mom style), but if my husband were not watching it, I wouldn't have gotten past the first few episodes (if that).

On the other hand, I am deeply devoted to the characters in Dexter.  I felt the effects of Rita's death days after I viewed it. My heart broke for Dexter when Lumen dumped him. Every time I look at Angel I feel that I have a friend in the room. And I even cried with dumb Debra when Lundy died.  I do not want to live in Dexter's complex, messy world, but I would much rather move to Miami than live in Walter's perverted, savage world.

My husband's opinion is that the psychopathic characters portrayed on Dexter are worse because they kill for the sake of killing -- for the urge of seeing the body mutilated and damaged.
In Walter White's world it is about profit -- or at least that is the excuse.

Perhaps I'll change my attitude about all of this when I have finished Breaking Bad. If I do, I will dutifully update my opinions as soon as possible. I am very curious about the thoughts that others have on this discussion. I see that I can create a survey here.  If you get this far, please try the survey!  I would love to hear the opinions of other viewers on this subject.


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Parental Discretion Advised: This Post is for Grown-ups Only!

1/2/2014

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Okay, I know I said I was going to do "List #2: Whining" but I'm not quite ready for that yet.  Actually I have a bunch of whining stuff in my drafts folder, but I'm not in the mood to look at it.  That entry will have to wait.

This entry is about my children. Sometimes in life, all kinds of issues just crop up at one time. As much as I'd like to, I can't just spill it all here, but suffice it to say that my children are both currently like little Vikings doing their best to navigate icy waters and unforgiving land. I guess this is growing up in the 21st century?

One got himself in too deep and needed Mama Viking to pull him out. The experience left his stomach in knots all day, but I think he'll be okay. The other has forged her figurative Ulfberht sword and has gone to battle in an idealistic crusade against mean girls. (Do you like the Viking analogy)?

Finally, that same warrior girl has looked me in the eye tonight and said, "I want my mother to tell me the truth." The subject? The Elf on the Shelf.

Here is the story. A family member (having no idea that my daughter put her heart and soul into communicating with her elf on the shelf, Francis) decided to tell her the true history of the book and doll. After crying in the bathroom for approximately an hour, she came out and proceeded to be sullen and difficult. (I was not present). Her father finally got her to reveal what was upsetting her and said-family-member attempted to back track and say that the elf and the shelf might be real after all.  This just left her with a terrible feeling of uncertainty.

So, reader, (isn't that so old-fashioned and cute?) return with me now to this present evening in which she says, "I want my mother to tell me the truth."

I did. Of course. And she was relieved, because she had already grieved.  She was ready to know that it was me.  And she got a kick out of the notes I had written, the name I gave him, and the places I had hidden him. She was ready to know. It felt better to know than to be in darkness.
She attempted to move the conversation into other magical beings, but I managed to put her off.  I think she agreed that we shouldn't try to figure out all the mysteries of the world in one night.

And do you know what she said just before I turned out the light? "Make sure he shows up for my half birthday!"

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