It's amazing how quickly I get over bad news. Or scary news.
My lungs are growing various and sundry weird things and doctors don't know why. I had about a week of a bizarre and new kind of stress.
Then I got over it.
Then I went to the dentist for a root canal -- who referred me to an endodontist -- who referred me to an oral surgeon. Why? Another weird thing growing at the root of my tooth.
I'm starting to get used to the idea that my body does stuff without my permission and that it might or might not kill me. I'm just super chill with it all today.
Next week I might have lost that laid-back feeling.
Thinking that I might die sooner rather than later is confusing. First of all, my mother died at the age I am now so I'm a little nervous about that. That complicates that idea that people who are going to die often have a sense of impending doom. I definitely have a sense that I am going to die soon, but I can't tease that out from my concern about being that age when my mother died. My instinct cannot be trusted, because ever since my mom died my mind goes quickly to the death idea with every tension headache.
All these tests results that keep coming up with the word lesion (which is actually an incredibly nonspecific word - google it) have made my approach to my current days a bit different. I haven't done any boat rocking the way I would if I was sure I was going to die, but I have begun to think "bucket list." I am one of those people who have always put off life experiences with this idea that someday I'll be thinner or more beautiful or have no debt. When the thought of death came knocking, it made me realized that I'm not going to get younger and most certainly not (much) thinner (unless I get cancer -- suddenly thinness as a goal seems moronic). I have a bit more money these days, but if I die in the next couple of years college money is no concern thanks to a decent life insurance policy.
So what does all this boil down to?
I'm going to England for a writer's retreat. And that makes me happy. :) I've only got to live through August to get there. After that, I'll think about getting my kids (ONE at at time) overseas for bucket list trips
My lungs are growing various and sundry weird things and doctors don't know why. I had about a week of a bizarre and new kind of stress.
Then I got over it.
Then I went to the dentist for a root canal -- who referred me to an endodontist -- who referred me to an oral surgeon. Why? Another weird thing growing at the root of my tooth.
I'm starting to get used to the idea that my body does stuff without my permission and that it might or might not kill me. I'm just super chill with it all today.
Next week I might have lost that laid-back feeling.
Thinking that I might die sooner rather than later is confusing. First of all, my mother died at the age I am now so I'm a little nervous about that. That complicates that idea that people who are going to die often have a sense of impending doom. I definitely have a sense that I am going to die soon, but I can't tease that out from my concern about being that age when my mother died. My instinct cannot be trusted, because ever since my mom died my mind goes quickly to the death idea with every tension headache.
All these tests results that keep coming up with the word lesion (which is actually an incredibly nonspecific word - google it) have made my approach to my current days a bit different. I haven't done any boat rocking the way I would if I was sure I was going to die, but I have begun to think "bucket list." I am one of those people who have always put off life experiences with this idea that someday I'll be thinner or more beautiful or have no debt. When the thought of death came knocking, it made me realized that I'm not going to get younger and most certainly not (much) thinner (unless I get cancer -- suddenly thinness as a goal seems moronic). I have a bit more money these days, but if I die in the next couple of years college money is no concern thanks to a decent life insurance policy.
So what does all this boil down to?
I'm going to England for a writer's retreat. And that makes me happy. :) I've only got to live through August to get there. After that, I'll think about getting my kids (ONE at at time) overseas for bucket list trips
RSS Feed
