What I don't want is to put my children through losing me, because LORD do they need me. They need a laid-back, fun, creative, loving, stabilizing influence. They need someone who understands them. And sadly, I am it. Not one of them has a clue about how to love one another. I'm not saying they don't love one another -- I'm just saying they are stupid in the expression of it -- especially the ones with the Y chromosomes.
Tooting my own horn, I know. But facts are facts. I'm not perfect, but I'm by far the best. If I were to disappear before my children are launched, the next few years would be absolute shit for them. Unless a miracle occurred. Which it won't.
I'll just have to make sure I write ten tons of advice. They are smart. They'll get through it. I just hate to think about them having the dreams I used to have about my parents. I had them for so many years! In my dreams, I would discover that they had been alive all along and just avoiding me. They were such terrible nightmares. So horrific.
Why would my parents want to leave me?
I'm sure they didn't, yet they did. I don't want to leave my children.
The other thing I don't want is some ugly, gross, smelly, horrible, painful death. I put in for the dying quietly and unexpectedly in your sleep kind of death. I may need to make a move to Oregon. I always knew I belonged there. With Norma. :)
Maybe I actually won't die. I don't know. It's looking a little sketchy for me right now. I'm sure if you are reading this you are wondering why, so I'll share just a bit of what I found in my most recent cat scan result:
Scattered subcentimeter nodular densities noted bilaterally. These have increased particularly in the right lung field where they measure up to 9 mm in size. Given the majority have a patchy groundglass and semisolid appearance in a clustered configuration would suspect an infectious or inflammatory process. Recommend follow-up chest CT in 3 months.
See? Could be just some sort of inflammation that I can reverse with prednisone and an anti-inflammatory diet. But I've got to admit that the number of new nodules, and the new terms (like "groundglass densities") have got me thinking the worst. There are eight measured nodules in my lungs along with:
"Additional new scattered patchy groundglass densities in the right middle lobe and right lower lobe particularly towards the lung base. Some of these are linear in configuration."
Whatever. I'm just in a bad mood now.