It is super weird to have an online journal because it means you believe on some level that other people will want to read what you have to say which is most likely not in any way worthy of reading. It is for sure a self-absorbed action. That's fine. I do think I'm pretty wonderful and I think my writing is worth reading even when it sucks. I have a lot of self-esteem about my own thoughts. I do not have much self-esteem when it comes to actually being in social setting with tons of people. I do okay, but it causes me anxiety when it is party where people have to stand around with plates of food and mingle. I don't like to mingle. I like to be out with people I know and trust and not mingle with a bunch of people who are probably assholes who think I'm too old or white or fat or ugly or unfashionable or awkward or socially unintelligent. The other thing is that I do not drink alcohol. This isn't a conscious decision; it just all tastes like bad cough medicine to me. I do pretty darn good for someone who does not drink. I have no buzz to take the edge off of it.
I am relatively happy with isolation, but I do love to get out now and then with friends I trust. That's what makes me happy as an introvert. I love to hang out, go to pubs or restaurants with various interesting atmospheres, but I have GOT to be with people I trust. I really don't like to socialize with coworkers because it just feels like more work. I am somewhat insecure at work. Fortunately I work at home.
I don't like the whole critique idea when it comes to student and art/writing/etc. I think it should be more like theatre where there is the one expert, the one director who tells you your stuff is crap. Other students have such stupid ideas. My hand hurts from all of this typing. I wish I could tune into that "Create Your Own Realtiy" stuff from Seth that would allow me to age without aches and pains because my hand hurts.
I love Vera Farmiga but she is slipping away from me. I think she is taking a long break from acting because she is a peace seeker who just wants to be mom. That means nothing new, no series, no big roles. So I stop being in love with her because she is not there for me to love .Who will be my next TV boyfriend or girlfriend? Who will it be? I'm thinking maybe... I don't know. You can't force it. The love has to happen naturally. Maybe I should go back and watch Newsradio so that i can remember the days of Phil Hartman. He was a different sort of love.
I really don't like cursing. It's so weak. I love a lot of people who enjoy it and in my mind I think them and sometimes I say them, but I truly hesitate to write curses. It seems wrong. It seems like inviting darkness in. That makes me sound religious, but I'm not at all -- it's just a feeling I have. Instinct, intuition.
This is stream of consciousness. No proofreading so deal.
I wonder who you are. I wouldn't want to know if you were an evil troll. I hope you are a fellow human and not an evil troll or demon. I hope you are like Vera Farmiga s Lorraine Warren (you know just brimming with love and psychic powers). You are weird for sure if you read this. I love that about you. Tell me who you are weirdo.