Smoking Pink Shoes

Audrey Fretz

Because my mother died at fifty-three (I'm 52), I'm often jumping to the conclusion that any little thing that happens to me is going to lead right to my death. I laugh about it. I think I'm over-dramatic. But I also feel this sense that I'm about to travel right out of this world soon.  Sense of impending doom? Not exactly. Maybe it's something that I'm looking forward to. Maybe this isn't about death at all. Maybe it's about my intuition telling me that I will never go back to work again (at least not in the way that I had been working). Maybe it's that my family dynamic or geographic location will change soon. I welcome change because I haven't been happy for quite some time. Maybe someone else in my life will die. Maybe this cough will just end me. I'll cough and sputter and choke, and then I'll be released from everything here on Earth. It's terrible when I think about the people who depend upon me, but if it were only me, then I would not find the idea all that distasteful.  That just goes to show how tired I am.

What is more distasteful is the idea of withering away in front of my family. I was a child when I saw my parents wither and die (though quite quickly), and it's traumatic. I can't stand the thought of that.

My last blog had an image of rowing across a lake to some other-worldly place. I dreamt about that place last night. I was on the beach looking at it, meditating on it. I was with other people who were also looking at the sky or the lake. Before that I dreamed about shoes that had a magical pink aura -- it was almost like pink smoke. I wonder what that means. 

Maybe pink smoke coming out of shoes means that one is being over-dramatic and should shut up about it?