I need this time to wallow. I'll get back to being selfless another day.
The harder my life gets, the less guarded I will be here. I am willing to be reckless, I guess. Privacy schmivacy. Who cares? It's just life on Earth.
I am waiting for results of an MRI. No matter what the results, there will be a level of suffering, because if it's MS then I've got MS. If it's not, I have missing myelin sheath, and no reason for it. And I'm sick.
And then I'm truly lost.
I know life is suffering, but I'm not being very Buddhist about it.
I think about my mom when she had brain cancer. She kept asking my dad to take her to this particular apple orchard. I know how she felt. She needed to get out, get away, escape the suffering. My suffering is not physical pain, though. It's dread. It's a sense of impending doom. It's profound disappointment. And it's not just about my stupid cough. (That's the part I continue to keep private for now).
This is just a down day. My up one might come tomorrow.
That's how it works with me.
Waiting for this test result... that's what's getting to me.
**UPDATE** Still no results yet, but I wanted to mention that I got over this misery in just a couple hours. Here is what helped. I sewed some pillows (I never would have sewed if not for the influence of Vera Farmiga and Norma Bates). Then, I went to the gym and did an intense 2.5 miles on the elliptical. Sometimes exercise does not help me. In this case, it really did.