My cough was better for several hours today. Maybe that prednisone is actually getting to it.
While I was in the disappearing stage of all of this I had so much to write about. I was in a spiritual crisis, struggling to communicate with my loved ones, and looking to move the balance of my "life worth living" scales. Now the balance of my scales is better. I see many reasons to live and much enjoyment ahead. I'm just not there yet. And my writing is just simple and matter-of-fact right now. I have no desire to wax poetic or be quite so self-indulgent.
I've been organizing, cleaning, moving bags and bags of stuff out of my house. I'm getting ready for change. I travelled a bit which took me out of myself quite well (skiing). I have not gotten back to writing in a meaningful way. I think I'm ready to begin soon. I'll be turning Liz's novella into a screenplay. I need to think about some secondary characters and subplot. She' s missing a subplot, but this is my first short so I'm not sure if there is much time for it. I've been watching Bates Motel with John again. John and I have been bonding through TV and reading Star Wars. It's a challenge -- bonding with a fourteen year old in the throes of puberty, but we were always really close. I think we both felt it slipping and we are coming back to each other again.
I wonder when I'll come back to life. And I wonder what it will be like? My significant other is trying to hold on to the way things were. Sometimes I can get through to him that everything is different now, but he's not a "flow" kind of person. He's more like a boomerang. He continually comes back to try to recapture something he believed existed in the past. I'm not sure he has the ability to authentically move forward with us, with him, or in his relationships, but really it's not my problem. It can't be. I've got my own rising to work on. I know that's harsh, but ultimately we have to follow our own paths in life. Sometimes they are side by side and other times they're not. My path has departed his for now. If he tries to get off of his own path to join me on mine, it will never make him happy. And my path will veer further away from his.
I'm going to see Lynn, a psychic medium in Metuchen. She is someone who I used to see (the last time I saw her was about three years ago). She is a legit psychic with a strong moral compass. I have to say I didn't get quite that vibe from the lady in Woodstock. I have never seen Lynn with the intention of communicating with my parents (maybe mostly because I'm always a little mad at them for leaving me -- I know how unfair that is after all these years). They always come to the session though, and this year I think I'll talk to them if I can. My question to them is why they can't ever seem to help me. I have asked them for help through the years, and from my narrow Earth perspective it doesn't feel like they answer or offer any help. The other person that always comes to the sessions with Lynn is my husband's deceased sister. It's interesting how my mother said at one of the sessions that "she doesn't stand with me," because she is not from my side of the family. I barely know her, but I like her. I like how she shows up. And I like how she tries to get through to my husband. We are kindred spirits in that way, I guess -- trying to get through to someone who is not spiritually open.
The reason I haven't seen Lynn is that she was going through something -- not sure what -- but she didn't see clients for awhile. She wasn't returning my texts to make an appointment and I gave up. Then, I was trying to sell some old biofeedback software and found her information again. Just yesterday, I found some notes I had made based upon a reading with her from about 2010. What she knew about my parents and my husband's sister was just impossible for any fake to fake. (ha ha) I had forgotten she was that good. Not that she couldn't mess up, but she even messed up in ways that proved she sensed stuff. For example, she saw my mom being furious at my dad for all of this stuff -- boxes of useless papers and books -- that he refused to get rid of. That was actually me mad at my significant other about his useless boxes of papers and stuff. I had just organized the entire basement in an effort to sell the house, and I set aside tons of old computer training books and papers and asked him to go through it and get rid of everything and to this day we still have all that crap. Sometimes the only solution is a sneaky one. If I'd done the "wrong" thing and just pitched it myself then I would not still be saddled with it and he'd be 100% ignorant of the "loss." Sometimes I think I should do the wrong thing more often.
Anyway, it's 5:00am and the prednisone still keeps me up and energetic. If you ever want to see a truly legitimate psychic medium in action find some reruns of The Haunting of... with Kim Russo. She's the real deal like Lynn. The difference is that she's probably made millions doing it. I think it's interesting that Lynn just stays in her little house in Metuchen doing readings for $85 an hour. It's not bad! I envy her, having a skill that can bring in that kind of money.
The picture below is from my favorite episode: The Haunting of Charles Shaughnessy. I love it the most because that man is a beautiful soul and his whole in-spirit extended family accompanied him on that journey.