Category:

Patterns... or... Here we go again.

3/7/2015

It's happening again. I'm seeing these patterns reveal themselves in my life. I enjoy them so much because (whether you think it's a delusion or not) they make me believe that there is a reason and a purpose for the people, challenges, and events in my life. I like thinking that there is a reason and intelligence behind my struggles and my successes.

The pattern I'm seeing lately has to do with struggle and the issue of poverty. Now, I can't claim to know poverty. I know debt. I certainly understand being stuck. I have made about a dozen poor choices regarding my financial health in the past (though I defend at least one of them as being a proper choice of the heart). Here is the pattern so far:

1. Steinbeck is my favorite author. I was doing a general Internet search of Steinbeck (I can't remember what prompted it) and I found a quote about "poor people." Here it is: "If you're in trouble, or hurt or need - go to the poor people. They're the only ones that'll help - the only ones."

2. On Facebook, I saw the film of the experiment in which a supposedly homeless child was out on the street, and the only one who helped him was a legitimately homeless man. In the comments, I supplied the quote.

3. Yesterday, in a job interview, I was asked to explain why people are poor. Well, this is a near impossible question because there are so many reason why this could happen to a person. I thought about myself at the age of seventeen when I lost my parents. I was so, so fortunate that my parents were able to care for me financially beyond their deaths. If they hadn't, I can't imagine what I would have done. I thought about myself, in shock and grieving, barely able to complete high school. How could I have tackled high school, college, and a job??? I can't even imagine what would have happened to me.

So, why am I being challenged to think about poverty and injustice? I don't think it's a coincidence. I just don't. There must be a reason, and I'm going to keep my antennae extended and tuned in. I'll let you know what happens...

Here's another one:

0 Comments

The current knows where it's going...

3/1/2015

0 Comments

UPDATE March 3: The following post may not be based in science, but... I was right! Something amazing happened yesterday -- something that tells me that though I am (sadly) not a psychic, my intuition is not bad. More later.

UPDATE March 6: Just had a job interview! That in and of itself is a joyous thing; the energy is moving in the right direction. Even if they find a person with more experience and/or less hourly salary requirements, I'm just so happy to have had a shot at something!!! I would LOVE that job -- working with parents who are out of work -- doing my best to help them get their lives and their children's lives in a better place. Realistically, not easy, but rewarding!

Lately, I have felt like I have needed to push hard and force life to give me what I need. The result of that approach (for me) is anxiety. Today, the world feels different. Though nothing has changed -- I have not landed that elusive "dream job" -- I feel very different. I simply have that peaceful feeling one gets when the struggle is over. I feel that a change is coming that will be a happy one for me. I will not push, force, or squeeze this creation into existence.

I am kicking back today, hanging out with a furry guest in my home named Boca. I am studying science in the comfort of my bedroom and welcoming the snow. I have an illogical (yet I believe authentic) sense that something remarkable is going to happen soon. I'm not psychic in the way that I'd like to be, but I can be intuitive. Something great is in the works.

"But one creature said at last, 'I am tired of clinging. Though I cannot see it with my eyes, I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom.'" -- Richard Bach

0 Comments

It's 4:20 AM

10/11/2014

0 Comments

About an hour ago I woke up, unable to sleep. Ate an apple, heated some milk, and now my eyes are droopy. I spent the last half an hour reading the sequel to Dark Corner as it is so far. And so far, I'm pleased. Writing is so strange for me because I don't remember what I write. It might was well be someone else writing this stuff, because I don't recognize it. I just revise and edit it. I recognize my voice in the writing, of course, and I recognize my goofy love of paranormal stuff. Sometimes it embarrasses me how much I love ghosty, psychic stuff. I guess it touches on the same reason that Harry Potter is so popular. Doesn't everyone wish that the occult (why would I used such a loaded word as "occult" when I could say "magic" and make it more wholesome and Disney, somehow?) were more palpable and malleable? That we could take the elements of our life that are not to our satisfaction and use it to alter and repair the problems? So, I'm not such a freak for being attracted to the occult. I always was interested, and it made my mother really nervous when I was a kid. Truthfully, I'm no practicing pagan or Wiccan, or whatever the appropriate label is, but I still find it all fascinating.

But I digress...

Again...

The point to this blog (gag) is something I heard on public radio (gag). You know, I just love public radio, even as the world news tortures me. This was the show Radiolab, and what really got my attention was the opening of the show, rather than the intended theme. The question author Eugene Thacker (In the Dust of this Planet) was answering for himself was whether he should still write the books he felt compelled to write if he knew no one would read them. And I've already given away the answer with the word, "compelled." Of course he would write them. I feel the same way. Writers are a dime a dozen. We were born with this internal drive to put fun house mirror reflections of ourselves out to the world. It might be fun if these creations made money or if people actually read them, but ultimately that is not the reason they exist. If the end goal of money and readers was the only motivator, there wouldn't be much (if any) high quality texts out there.

I like to write. When I come back to read and revise, I'm usually pleased with what I have done. Now that Dark Corner is out there in book form, I feel embarrassed about it for some reason. I'm sure that if I read it again I'd be pleased with it. It became just the sort of fun that I wanted it to be. I loved reading books in that same style when I was a child, so I do admit to liking my own story. I think it is the innocence of it in this cynical world that embarrasses me, but I write for myself. I really do.

That doesn't mean I would turn down financial success if it came my way. Being firmly part of "the other 98 percent" money would be a miracle. But if it means I have to stop writing and put a bunch of time, effort and money into marketing, I would just prefer to write my books and let them float out there in the unknown. Now if I had a prayer or spell, I would just create time to write, because 4:00AM is not ideal.

0 Comments

Teacher

5/7/2014

0 Comments

My triple careers (fun-to-read indie author; over-educated pet sitter; homeschool mom) are not quite meeting the bills (e.g. $4000 for the plumber alone this week; $4000 for kid braces next month), so I'm determined to get a new job that will pay the bills and move me back into the world of education full time. I loved teaching in Clark and I was happy every day to be there. The only time I didn't love going into work was when my children were babies; I felt the separation so keenly, particularly as my son struggled with one illness after the other. Those baby days are over, now, and my children have become healthy and (mostly) independent. It's time for me to move back into the work world.

I don't believe much in standardized tests. And I resent having to pay so much money to ETS to retake the Praxis tests when I have already done so successfully in New Jersey. I also resent the $40 charge to send it to a prospective employer (how much do you think it costs them to send a score?). I have little choice, though, because I want Pennsylvania certification. Beyond the financial considerations, and beyond my frustration with having to prove myself as a competent teacher just because I moved a few miles over the state line... I must admit that I love taking tests.

Call me crazy, but I get excited when sitting down with a bunch of sharp No. 2s in order to prepare for grading and evaluation. It's simply fun for me. I took a diagnostic version of the math section today. 85%!!! As a language arts teacher, I'm thrilled with that score. Once I re-memorize the Pythagorean theorem and the formula for volume, I'll be all set. Next, I'm on to conquer social studies. As a person who could get the Marshall Plan and the Magna Carta mixed up, I have my work cut out for me. Then, science. Last time, my highest score was in the science section. I find this puzzling. I probably won't do more than glance through language arts; if I can't ace that one without studying, I don't deserve certification.

My love of taking tests is particularly contradictory because I was one of the first to get involved with the "opt-out" movement. I don't really believe that high test scores predict success (particularly in the case of classroom teaching, because it is natural charisma and classroom management skills that lay the foundation for a great teaching career). My skepticism about the effectiveness of standardized tests was influenced by the case of a colleague at Lincoln Middle School in Hawthorne, New Jersey. She was a paraprofessional. The students adored her, the other teachers liked her, and her teaching was effective, but she could not for the life of her pass the Praxis. I don't understand why, but it was sad to see her take it again and again with dismal results.

I do think that my high test scores (in the past) should help me get my foot in the door (in New Jersey, it's nepotism that gets feet in doors; in fact, unqualified and incompetent people get their whole bodies through doors because of nepotism in that state), but beyond that, the tests mean little if I don't have common sense, classroom management, and organization skills. And I do. Well, the organization part is a bit challenging (chalk it up to a creative mind), but I manage. I have high hopes that the right employer will come along.

0 Comments

Great Mood = Shorter Post

2/1/2014

0 Comments

I am making a point to write a post today because I am really happy and content. I don't much feel compelled to write when I am in a happy mood. I use writing to cope with darkness, and sometimes to express that strange, deep feeling I get when my family is out of town and I am alone. Today is nearing its end and though it was an ordinary day it was also quite a satisfying one: took my son to a flexibility workshop with Bill "Superfoot" Wallace (great with kids, by the way); went on a rushed trip to Target with my daughter; arranged for shipment of a new color printer to replace my still-under-warranty Epson; worked with my children on our model of a Viking ship; went to church (snore); and paid bills while watching the old Franco Zeffirelli's old mini-series, Jesus of Nazareth (awesome) while paying bills.

Part of the reason that I am happy is that paying my bills didn't seem so terrible. Most people would probably think my finances are pretty awful, but today I felt like I could at least meet my bills. I'm not adding to my debt, anyway. That, for me, is a reason to be happy.

Today, I also put a few feelers out about about Compulsion Reads which is possibly up for sale. I have too many irons in the fire to run another business, but I think it is such a wonderful idea that I pray some bibliophile will take it over. Readers need some tool to lead them to the treasures sitting amongst all that indie-junk, and high quality authors who self-publish deserve to have their work promoted. Maybe some voracious reader will see this post and take over the biz. That is my hope. A good idea should not die.

Finally, I am thinking about it. It is percolating in there. The time is coming to outline the next novel in my series. I have a loose idea about where it is going to go. I have had doubts about writing it because publishing certainly not been a lucrative vocation, yet Robin is calling. Maybe I'll do my usual -- write it and stick it in a drawer. Maybe I'll just send the Word file to those few people who have read Dark Corner. I'm not sure, but I do know that it wants to be written -- and that is another nice thought to close a cheerful day.

0 Comments

I WANT I WANT I WANT -- A SUCCESS FANTASY

11/30/2013

0 Comments

I want things to come on my terms, not society's terms. That is why I may not be as successful as I'd like to be when it comes to the green stuff. I didn't think much about money until after I had children. I think more and more about money now that I have a child who loves horses. Horses were once about practical living; now they are for the elite.

In my youth, I wanted to be an actor. My quote then was, "I just want to act. I don't care whether I have to be a cocktail waitress for the rest of my life as long as I can keep doing theatre." I never was a cocktail waitress, but it accurately described how I felt about it all. Later, I wanted to be a psychologist, and in the midst of that I switched gears and became a teacher. Now I own a pet care business. None of these paths were particularly financially motivated. Now, though, I'd really like to make the big bucks. I have noticed how some other people are doing it -- many via the hopes and dreams of people like me -- the artistic types (I flatter myself, I know). For example, if you live in New York City, there is loads of money to be made offering services for actors -- acting coaches, casting director/agent seminars, photographers providing headshots -- anything that will further the dream of the would-be film or Broadway star. In the self-publishing business there are publicity firms, cover designers, reviewing services -- just about anything an ambitious soul could think to sell to a would-be author.

I want to make money, but I just can't create a business designed to take advantage of artists. If I could offer a great service, then I'd do it for free. I'm not much of an entrepreneur, am I? Why am I going on about all of this? I don't know. What I really want to do is create a fantasy -- creative visualization if you will -- of my novel making me truckloads of money. Sound fun.

So, I'll start here with my blog. I get to break all of the rules and write whatever I feel like writing and everyone will just LOVE (don't use ALL CAPS, kids) reading it. All my blabbering and blubbering about myself results in all sorts of traffic to my website, all kinds of interest in me, and particularly in my book. From using the search terms associated with my blog, people from all over the world land here and then, of course, purchase my book. The book is fun, interesting, exciting, and controversial, so that creates even more interest. Remember all the kooks who think that children who read Harry Potter are going to hell? Those kind of people can create some terrific interest in books, even as they condemn them. Of course, in this fantasy, I'm perfectly safe from the nuts. Let's hope that part turns out okay.

So, the result of this crazy blog where I just write whatever I feel like writing and don't bother to follow any of the advice about marketing and promotion, I make a few million in sales. Wow! A few million! So I can buy my daughter that horse she wants, and hey, lets throw in a horse for me too! Of course we need a nice farmhouse on at least fifty acres, don't you think? Wouldn't it be nice if Robin Wingfield paid for my farm?

Oh, and we can't forget the practical stuff -- like John and Maddie's college all paid up. John wants to start a business someday? Well, I've got the capital right here, thanks to Dark Corner!

And then the movie deal. Of course, it's going to make a great movie. Not one of those cheap and cheesy deals with a terribly adaptation and Nickelodeon type teens with their artificially straightened hair and over the top acting styles, but a really senstive, beautiful, subtle high-quality production that will appeal to adults as well as teens.

And that movie just adds to the bank account, and to my power to publish. I can dig out my screenplay and get Modern Persecution produced and finally give Elizabeth Parsons Ware Packard (if you don't know who she is, just Google her) the publicity she deserves. Now here, I must confess one of my worst moments as a writer. Let's take a little side trip from the world of positive creative visualization to my worst moment as a writer.

I will keep it short, because it is painful. In a class at New School University called Madness in Literature with Professor Michael Vannoy Adams, I learned all about Elizabeth Parsons Ware Packard. I wrote a play about her life as part of the class. I fine tuned the play and then at some point became inspired to make it into a screenplay. I purchased Movie Magic Screenwriter and followed all of the author's advice (I tried to give him credit, but all I can find is that it was published by Write Bros) and wrote a really tight screenplay about her life. Then, what did I do? Nothing. Just let it sit in my computer. Lazy. Got busy. Typical me. Can you guess what happened? Some wonderful person -- just like me except with better connections -- managed to produce a play about the life of Elizabeth Parsons Ware Packard. I can't tell you what a blow this was. I knew it was a possibility that someone else would have the same idea, but when Emily Mann came out with her play, Mrs. Packard, it was just devastating to me. All that work -- my play and my screenplay -- usurped. Of course, it is not the same play. And I know of no screenplay (if it exists, do not tell me) but when I get down about something, there's no talking me out of it. I felt that anything I did with the creation would seem second rate, because the play Mrs. Packard came before (even though it didn't really come before).

Sad story over, lets talk about The Adventures of Robin Wingfield: Dark Corner again. Now no one can take that from me. It's 100% mine, because it is my fiction, not a historical character's life. Still, I hold out a little candle of hope for my screenplay. In this scenario, Robin Wingfield opens the door to my screenplay. I can make it happen. A fantastically successful Hollywood film in which my screenplay is sensitively executed and Elizabeth ("I know you're up there, Elizabeth") smiles down upon me. Finally, her story is told to the numbers of people she had always hoped to reach.

I'm having a great deal of fun with this! (Kids, don't use too many exclamation points. It makes you look like an amateur -- but you are just that, aren't you? So I say, pepper everything with exclamation points! Yay! Exclamation points!! They make me so happy!!!)!!!!!. So here I am with my farm, horses, tickets to college for my children, a Hollywood film that has been nominated for an Academy Award in a number of categories including Best Screenplay (which it will win, of course). Now throw in a couple of electric cars and a summer long trip to a fat farm so I can look really good while accepting my Academy Award. And to think it's all thanks to Robin Wingfield!

0 Comments

Patterns... or... Here we go again.

The current knows where it's going...

It's 4:20 AM

Teacher

Great Mood = Shorter Post

I WANT I WANT I WANT -- A SUCCESS FANTASY

About the Author:
needs sunlight
portrait below

Categories

Archives

Patterns... or... Here we go again.

The current knows where it's going...

It's 4:20 AM

Teacher

Great Mood = Shorter Post

I WANT I WANT I WANT -- A SUCCESS FANTASY

About the Author:needs sunlightportrait below

Categories

Archives

About the Author:
needs sunlight
portrait below