First, a shout out to a fellow blogger and perhaps the funniest blog I've ever read: "What Meditation Really Looks Like (I Hate Oprah and Deepak)" by Laura McKowen. I completely understand how she feels; it was Natalie Goldberg's experience that she relates in Writing Down the Bones that solved the problem for me. Meditation does NOT have to be sitting still. It can be writing. I'm sure that for people like me, writing meditation is more effective. I'm still a bit like a cat chasing all the strings (see Laura's blog), but I can write the string down quickly if it doesn't want to float away and then I'm okay. I write the centering thought, then the mantra over and over (which I mostly like), then if a thought comes along I either let it float away for the time being or write it down. If I write it, I don't have to worry about forgetting it.
So, where am I right now in this whole metaphorical death thing?
I wouldn't say I'm alive, as such, but I'm a whole lot better. I'm in that purgatorial landscape, but I'm no longer depressed within it. I look back on the past weeks and I can't believe how lost I was -- truly a lost soul. I'm trying not to judge myself because it was what it was, but Lord! I don't feel that way anymore. Here are a few things that have helped me:
I am no longer begging for forms from my doctor's office (that was a helpless feeling). In general, doctors and doctors' offices make me feel helpless and not in control.
I am now off prednisone; the drug that makes me certifiably insane -- sleepless, manic and raging. (I miss the manic energy, though. I got so much done).
I have insisted on speaking honestly to family members about many things I have pushed aside in order to keep the peace. I can't believe how long I lived without expressing my true thoughts and feelings about so many things. Be brave, fellow Slytherins (not a natural Slytherin asset) and rock that boat!
I have relief from the symptom of coughing. I have no idea why I coughed and I know that barring some miracle it's not over, but it's over for now. I have no other symptoms to deal with right now.
I have asked my boss at work for what I want (a different job). I might get a "no" but just having asked makes me feel better. The work issue is a scary one for me, because I know I can't continue with the same job. These are reasons beyond coughing or physical illness; my job is spiritually unhealthy for me. Maybe some great Griffindors have the strength and fortitude to do it, but it will sink me both mentally and physically. Knowing that, and acknowledging that I can't go back to the same situation is not easy, but important. It's part of being honest with myself and taking care of myself. I need a different life, and I'm insisting on it rather than allowing myself to be beaten down to nothing. It's terrifying, because I don't know what will happen, but I can rest assured that I am going to take care of myself. I will not continue to suffer spiritually for less than $40,000 and health insurance.
I'm training for another 5K. This time, I'm pushing myself much harder (to increase my time substantially). This was borne out of being bored with the gym. Why go to the gym if one doesn't have a goal? I know that the goal of changing my body shape is just a trap. It comes from the idea that I am flawed or "less than" as I am, and any idea based upon that is a one way ticket to depression and an eating disorder. I need something that does not rely on this idea that my body is not okay as it is. A RACE is something that okay people do. I've got seven weeks to train.
So, where am I right now in this whole metaphorical death thing?
I wouldn't say I'm alive, as such, but I'm a whole lot better. I'm in that purgatorial landscape, but I'm no longer depressed within it. I look back on the past weeks and I can't believe how lost I was -- truly a lost soul. I'm trying not to judge myself because it was what it was, but Lord! I don't feel that way anymore. Here are a few things that have helped me:
I am no longer begging for forms from my doctor's office (that was a helpless feeling). In general, doctors and doctors' offices make me feel helpless and not in control.
I am now off prednisone; the drug that makes me certifiably insane -- sleepless, manic and raging. (I miss the manic energy, though. I got so much done).
I have insisted on speaking honestly to family members about many things I have pushed aside in order to keep the peace. I can't believe how long I lived without expressing my true thoughts and feelings about so many things. Be brave, fellow Slytherins (not a natural Slytherin asset) and rock that boat!
I have relief from the symptom of coughing. I have no idea why I coughed and I know that barring some miracle it's not over, but it's over for now. I have no other symptoms to deal with right now.
I have asked my boss at work for what I want (a different job). I might get a "no" but just having asked makes me feel better. The work issue is a scary one for me, because I know I can't continue with the same job. These are reasons beyond coughing or physical illness; my job is spiritually unhealthy for me. Maybe some great Griffindors have the strength and fortitude to do it, but it will sink me both mentally and physically. Knowing that, and acknowledging that I can't go back to the same situation is not easy, but important. It's part of being honest with myself and taking care of myself. I need a different life, and I'm insisting on it rather than allowing myself to be beaten down to nothing. It's terrifying, because I don't know what will happen, but I can rest assured that I am going to take care of myself. I will not continue to suffer spiritually for less than $40,000 and health insurance.
I'm training for another 5K. This time, I'm pushing myself much harder (to increase my time substantially). This was borne out of being bored with the gym. Why go to the gym if one doesn't have a goal? I know that the goal of changing my body shape is just a trap. It comes from the idea that I am flawed or "less than" as I am, and any idea based upon that is a one way ticket to depression and an eating disorder. I need something that does not rely on this idea that my body is not okay as it is. A RACE is something that okay people do. I've got seven weeks to train.
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