Just at this moment, I don't have the resources to spend thousands of dollars on a women's empowerment trip, yet I have been hoping for something like that -- something that could open me up spiritually, induce spiritual awakening. These last three years I was sinking. My customary approach when I have spiritual, physical, or psychological difficulty of any kind is to blame myself, but this time my instincts tell me not to. I had a job that was literally sucking the life out of me and I believed I had no choice in the matter. I also was unable to see how destructive it was until I left.
The moment I submitted my resignation letter, a process of clear vision and opening-to-spirit took place. I only wish I would have left sooner, but there's no point in regretting what I can't change. My work was not all bad. I did bring some light and humor there, and I believe I helped some really wonderful souls. My contribution was likely not so much to their academic knowledge, but certainly I made some difference psychologically, and maybe even spiritually. There are some beautiful children there who are under a number of dark influences. Their parents are closed off to their own good grace (or as Allison DuBois would say, "[stewing] in their own dark energy"). The children are still attracted to the light, yet it's as if their parents have blindfolded them. They don't do it on purpose; they are just so overwhelmed themselves that they can't help their children open up. Sometimes I think it has something to do with location. Most live in a certain area of the Lehigh Valley that has a heavy energy. I remember reading of a young psychic woman who suffered palpably when she entered a certain geographical area because of an abundance of negative or chaotic energy. I'm not psychic, but I am sensitive to the energy of a neighborhood, or even a single room. Something just isn't quite right about that area.
The wonderful thing is that as soon as I made a decision to leave, my world opened up. I had been feeling unwell in a number of ways. Is there one word that means physical, psychological, and spiritual? I can't find one, so I'll make up my own word in the meantime: sphyirological (sp = spirit phy = physical p and ological = psychological).
So, I had been feeling sphyirologically weaker since September of 2014 when I started there, and by September 2017 I think I was literally dying. I had decided to leave by March 2018 or so, and the healing began the day I gave my notice: 5/2/2018. Maybe I should celebrate that day - new holiday?
The amazing thing is how quickly everything began to get better. It wasn't an immediate healing, but considering how low I was, it seems miraculous to me. I have a new energy for nearly all areas of my life, and I feel excited to greet each day. I'm not exactly content; It's more that I feel motivated, ambitious, and enthusiastic. I'm living with integrity. And suddenly I possess a sentiment that can be particularly difficult for human beings to have: self-love. I have never felt such a sense of peace with who I am and what I can contribute to this world.
I quit that job with no other good job prospect. I quit that job when I knew I needed the money. There was no earthly logic to that decision. Though I had a few niggling doubts, I was not genuinely afraid. I had higher powers on my side, and I knew that everything would be better. And what happened? A beautiful job where I can stay healthy and be of real help to others came along so fast! I won't say it fell into my lap, because I am the one who asserted myself to ask for the job. And when I had the chance to interview and prepare for it, I put my whole heart into it. I prayed. I pushed all kind of green-chakra-heart-energy into manifesting it. And I got it. And I (mostly) knew I would. I still get scared that something might make it fall apart, but a higher percentage of my psyche knows that it's going to happen and that it's going to bring good things -- not only to me, but my students, employers, and colleagues.
I've always regretted that I am not psychic the way some might regret not being able to do math or play a musical instrument. Well, I'm not very good at math, but I got an A in trigonometry. And I'm not psychically-gifted the way some people I've met are, but I listened to my intuition for once and look what it's done for me!
New lease on life!
New leaf turned over!
I'm in love with life again.